Spare A Copper

“Spare A Copper” – The wartime Ealing Comedy starring George Formby who is hot on the trail of some dastardly fifth columnists and Nazi saboteurs.

Or “Spare a copper Governor?” – The pitiful plea of the destitute in today’s modern Britain. It makes you think…Perhaps we should take a radical approach to solving our economic blues? Maybe mix and match – match and mix. Create chimeras, thump genes together and ram-jar a funnel of chromosome pellets into plasma, mash up and stretch lumps of brain cake. Foreclose on sense and propose new sheets of white writing blocks.

Whatever that meant, we should do it – and do it in a crumb-free environment.

Alistair Darling, George Formby and the Third Man

I want to witness the Rt. Hon. George Formby MP Chancellor of the Exchequer, deliver the budget of his life whilst sporting preposterous black eyebrows. I want to see Alistair Darling leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street, assuring people that it has “turned out nice again”. I want all short people to wear numbers, not just jockeys. I want Sugar Puffs banned. I want ducks to be paid for quacking. I simply want things to go back to how they were. I want my old cell back.

Sorry, I’m off my tits on drugs. I will try and compose myself.

I was reading that foreign banks might end the mortgage drought. Despite all time low interest rates, it’s not really getting any easier to find a mortgage. Here’s a thought – How about Alistair Darling, I mean George Formby, telling the banks they’ve got two weeks to begin pumping money back into the economy by offering reasonably affordable loans or the taxpayer’s money must be returned instantly? And do it! Send the bailiffs in, if necessary. You know? Like the banks do…

However, the Bank of China has announced it will start lending to British borrowers. Will foreign banks end the drought in finance? What is the Bank of China offering? The Bank of China has announced it will start offering mortgages here in the UK to both residential and buy-to-let borrowers. Apparently, the deals being offered are very attractive, only being beaten by the giant HSBC bank (a global bank, but still essentially a Chinese bank). Bank of China is also launching a buy-to-let loan at 3.5% above base rate, so it is currently 4%. This is likely to prove quite attractive. Is this the beginning of the end for British finance? Do you think the monarch has been offered another role?

Chairman Windsor

It is getting increasingly difficult to think of any area in which we actually specialise now. It is the basic, dare I say, vital services that are of concern to me. Somehow, we seem to have lost control of our water, energy, transport, manufacturing industry and now perhaps banking. Those are pretty big things there in that list. Who am I kidding? As far as things go, those are great sequoia trees with fecking bells on! I could never, ever see France allowing the same to happen to such vital aspects of national infrastructure. Vive la France. Here’s a short list of just some of Britain’s vital industries:

EON owns Powergen (German)
RWE owns Npower (German)
Centrica owns British Gas (German)
EDF (Électricité de France) owns British Nuclear Fuels (French)
London Electricity (French)
Iberdrola owns Scottish Power (Spanish)
HSBC Bank (The Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation)
Tata Steel (Indian)
Corus Steel (Indian)
Santander owns Abbey National and Alliance + Leicester (Spanish)
It goes on…

How do you let your energy companies slip out of national ownership? It beggars belief, it truly does. Dame Margret Thatcher should be wheeled onto the stage and made to explain her privatisation plans all over again. She sold this idea as some sort of universal panacea. She certainly sold something, and by that, I mean everything. The cupboard is bare.

Could you be a professional witch? An estate agent will swap selling houses to live in a cave after winning a £50,000 job as a witch at the Wookey Hole Caves tourist attraction. Carla Calamity, whose real name is Carole Bohanan, won over the judges at her audition for the job of the Wookey Witch. It makes you proud to be British.

How to earn a £1,000 a week in Britain