P2P Essential Viewing

BBC 1

9.00am Donald’s Dens
Ex patriot Donald Carpenter takes us on a detailed tour of all the childhood camps he has made whilst growing up in the surrounding areas of the Huddersfield countryside. Surprisingly, many of the camps are still intact and undisturbed. Disturbing.
Subtitles…888

9.50 Norman Tebbit’s Fun House
More madcap antics from Norman and the team.

10.30 A Life Less Ordinary
Agony Aunt Claire Rainer tells of the pain and anguish she has endured in her struggle to teach all the geese on her farm Turkish. Harrowing.

11.00 Bob’s Full House
Robert Kilroy Silk the debonair ex TV presenter and fascist, attempts to break yet another world record by inviting no fewer than 287 Roman Catholic bishops and clergy to one of his legendary candlelit suppers (R)

12.00pm The News and Weather (with shouting for the blind)

12.35 Are Trousers Necessary?
Andrew Marr debates the case for never wearing trousers around the office. Lively debate.

"I don’t wear trousers. Do you?"

1.00 The X Country Files
John Craven of Country File fame ponders over some extreme views held by many of his colleagues, namely the very existence of sheep. Craven, who in this film is visibly emotional, claims that he has never been able to touch a sheep during all his years on Country File. He now holds radical beliefs and has sided with rural conspiracy theorists, claiming that sheep are nothing more than holograms. Tosh.

1.40 Hector’s Knob
Risqué cartoon from Bulgaria.

2.00 The Great British Trouser Show

The wrong trousers?

This week sees Sir Patrick Moore take on Simon Cowell. “I’m old school” claims Moore. “I wear my trousers high and proud” Cowell responds. Heated.

3.00 Pancake Tuesday
A chaotic, but rather lengthy, competition held annually in the state of Georgia USA, whereby contestants frantically attempt to render the young actress Tuesday Weld senseless by hurling pancakes at her. This one really does do what it says on the tin. Unmissable!

4.00 I Seduced Hattie

Roger de Caucey and Hattie Jacques – Ooh la la

Roger de Caucey’s frank and disturbing nine hour home cine footage of his tryst with voluptuous comedienne Hattie Jacques has been cropped to a more manageable one hour. The revelation of this torrid affair has shaken the showbiz world to its very core.

Although the entire footage was shot in monochrome, the late Hattie Jacques can clearly be seen wearing nothing more than what can only be described as a see through marquee. As she cavorts around being chased by Mr de Caucey, who is clearly in a heightened state of arousal, one can only guess at what he intended to do with the fishing net he was carrying.

The whole documentary is annoyingly interspersed with clips of Roger de Caucey speaking to camera wearing a total of six hats piled one atop the other. The reason for this is never fully explained. However, one does get a brief insight into the state of mind of de Caucey during this film, as he repeats the same claim many times – “The bear made me do it”. The producers of this programme are expecting a deluge of complaints from the de Caucey purists, but for the rest of us – it’s entertaining stuff! Critic’s Choice

5.00 Welcome to My World

De Caucey’s disciple?

This week features Ken Livingstone, ex mayor of London and keeper of newts. From a gentleman’s club in Islington, Ken wistfully recants his passion for young girls and newts. This moving account of a life, takes us from his earliest ambitions of becoming a snooker referee to eventually becoming mayor of London town. “I never became a snooker referee, but I always used to wear white gloves in secret when I was mayor” he quips.
Subtitles…888

6.00 Johnson’s Johnsons

Boris tells it like it is…

Last in the current series in which the current mayor of London enlightens us with even more revelations of his favourite male appendage.

6.50 Cheggers’ Beggars
Keith Chegwin reports on the homeless in Surrey. Voyeuristic.

7.30 Knot So Good
Diminutive comedian Ronnie Corbett continues his epic series about his passion for tying knots. This week the chirpy ropesmith demystifies the sheepshank, an international favourite with scouts and sailors everywhere.

8.00 Bobby Ball on Calculus

Loose Cannon?

Bobby Ball addresses an advanced mathematics symposium in Stockholm. Ball, whose personal expertise lies in complex number theory, delights an attentive audience with his take on tensor calculus.

 9.00 So You Think You’re Hard?

They’re back. Hague and Kemp are taking us for yet another walk on the wild side of London. Ross Kemp who plays Grant Mitchell in Eastenders teams up with fellow hard man William Hague. Hague (who claims he was a 14 pint-a-day man) loses some credibility when he tries to assert his authority in a genuinely rough east end pub. There is rather an amusing scene when Hague swaggers up to a group of yardie types and bellows “I’m the Pater now. I’m a real bad Mater Copulater”. It almost sent them scurrying for their Latin textbooks. Critic’s Choice

10.00 The News and Weather (with singing for the blind)

10.35 Confessions of Wogan
The only criticism of this gem of a series is that it is only on for 10 minutes. This week, Terry Wogan confesses to habitually urinating in public baths. Brilliant stuff.
Subtitles…888

10.45 F*ck Off Biggins. That’s My Pie!

A poignant biopic of the exuberant light entertainer – this gritty one hour documentary touches on the trauma Biggins suffered as a young schoolboy. The then slim and unassuming Biggins tells of the daily ritual, whereby he would be forced into surrendering his lunch over to school bullies. Clearly still very emotional about this entire episode of his life, Biggins confides to camera that this was the beginning of his personal quest “to eat his way to the top”.

Biggins at a very young age, made the alarming connection between pies and success – a connection that eludes most rational people. From this point on, the erstwhile Mr Kipling tells of his muddled brand of culinary politics, claiming that his own person goal had been to control the global means of pie production – a sort of Karl Marx meets Marco Pierre White.

However, today from his cottage in Surrey, we see a very different Christopher Biggins – a contented and confident man having achieved his own personal target weight and reminiscing of times past. Touching stuff. Critic’s Choice

11.45 Fishing with Bjork
The Icelandic elfin takes us on another fishing adventure. This time Bjork tours the outer fringes of Torbay. After giving a brief history of the surrounding area, she then precedes to cajole local inhabitants of a nearby village to dance with her. There appears to be no rhyme or reason to this show and, yet again, no fishing. Go to bed.

1.05am The Ball Hiders
Two teams from Plymouth take it in turns to hide a golf ball. This week it’s the semi finals.

1.35 Cornish Duck Teasing
Ducks are called silly names by eight grown men from the comfort of deck chairs. Charming.

2.00 Prescott’s Passions

Predictably, it’s nudity and pies. Yet another hour of John Prescott either scampering around his back garden in the nip or burying his face in a Pukka pie.

However, after an unscripted row with his wife, the sight of Mrs Prescott chasing him across a Tesco car park wielding a cricket bat is priceless. Critic’s Choice