The Perfect Flaw

Once again, swine flu seems to be edging its way up the agenda. The casual attitude persists, more “porky pest” than “la grippe porcine”. Calmness in a crisis is one thing, bending over backwards to assist the virus is quite another.

I once read a comment from the MSN business manager Caroline Fry, as she returned from a holiday in Mexico, where she spent four days in one of the most affected areas. Here, she describes the scenes she witnessed and what it feels like living in quarantine.

“We were all over the place, to be honest. We started in Mexico City on Good Friday and we were there for four days. Then we toured round the coast and down to the south. From what I heard while I was there, swine flu had already broken out by then, but they thought it was normal flu, rather than something else. There was nothing in the press about it. We were going to go back to Mexico City for our last day, but we decided not to because there was so much fuss and people said everything was shut and we wouldn’t be able to get into hotels or restaurants.”

So much fuss? Not being able to book into a restaurant or hotels? It is heartbreaking. The damned inconvenience of it all! She, of course, forgets to mention the risk of becoming a harbinger of death upon her return. Hey ho.

Caroline Fry: No room at the inn?

The silly season is upon us. Religious fever has taken root in a rural Irish village after workmen claimed the image of the Virgin Mary appeared in the remains of a felled churchyard tree.

The supposed vision in Rathkeale, Co Limerick, has stumped locals who have come in their hundreds to pray and light candles in the grounds of Holy Mary Parish church.

Rathkeale apparition

Why don’t these people invest in a damned good hologram instead of relying on the usual misshapen vegetable approach of the former “That’s Life” television show? If that is supposed to be the Virgin Mary, I can show them where there’s a forest full.

However, it does not beat Diane Duyser from Florida. She sold a decade-old toasted cheese sandwich said to bear an image of the Virgin Mary. She sold it on the eBay auction website for $28,000. As if any other proof were needed of its divine qualities, she claimed the sandwich has never gone mouldy since she made it 10 years ago.

Diane Duyser and George III - Doppelgangers?

Personally, I was more amazed at the apparent reincarnation of George III, when I first viewed Ms Duyser. Now that truly is a miracle.

Do you remember me telling you of the harrowing tale of Mr Percival Greenwood and his purloined parsnips? Well, I actually bumped into Mr Greenwood in the Teapot, a local tavern. He was remarkably chipper, as he told me of his latest news. One of the parsnips that escaped theft has turned out to be an apparition itself. Yes indeed, one of Mr Greenwood’s parsnips bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary. Apparitions are spreading faster than swine flu. However, everybody is happy. The bounder who took Percival’s parsnips has won first prize at the annual Pimlico Fete. Mr Greenwood has found religion and forgiven the larcenist and I am about to take an evening stroll through Pimlico Gardens.

Percival Greenwood: Life cannot be better