Archive for A Run For Your Money

A Run For Your Money

Posted in Humour and Humor with tags , , , , , on August 4, 2009 by Stefan III


The banks are at it again. They really are a law unto themselves…The Bank of England recently said that conditions in the financial system are easing, although the banking system is fragile and vulnerable to disruption.

Interestingly, the first two large banks to issue their six monthly results are HSBC and Barclays. They do indeed appear to be frail and vulnerable as they muddle along on their £9 billion collective profit. Heaven knows what the next six months will bring these breadline paupers.

It has to be said; the aforementioned banks did not in fact request or receive state funding during the economic crisis. However, they have benefited from the entire banking system being bailed out in general terms. Without such intervention, these two stalwarts of the banking fraternity would not have had a pot to piss in either.

These impressive results have reanimated the dash for large bonuses. Reading between the lines and extrapolating the data, this should mean that over 22,000 staff working at these two banks alone will be on for bonus enhanced earnings in excess of £250,000 each.

Yet businesses are struggling. Businesses are being starved of funding from their banks. The banks are keeping all the pie. Unless you own a business, you work for a business. Yes, I’m speaking to you! And, if your business collapses, you are out of a job and the bank has lost two sources of revenue – you and the business you worked for. So, I do not know where the banks think this one is heading.

To generate profit, the banks have to lend money and see a return on the money loaned. Without lending the money in the first instance, there are no future profits to be had. A bank then simply becomes a building with money in it. That’s not strictly true, but I won’t go into that now. All I am pointing out here, is that there is a certain “I want my cake and eat it” attitude that is rife in the so called “City”. The only politician speaking any sense regarding the current state of financial affairs is good old Vince Cable – the best Prime Minister the Liberals never had. His voice is a lone beacon of common sense and considered judgment, in these bizarre times.

“Talk to the hand, Vince”

“Talk to the hand, Vince”

Sir Grenville Palmer of the London Bankers Association is reported to have had an extension built on his Georgian home in Surrey. The extension, made of solid platinum, is said to contain three bedrooms, a library and a “trumping” room. The Trumping Room, a throwback from Georgian England, is where gentleman would retire from dinner and trump to their heart’s content, out of earshot from the ladies. These opulent, but often smelly rooms were the ultimate in sophistication – the navel piercing of their day.

Sir Grenville Palmer: “Because I’m worth it”

Sir Grenville Palmer: “Because I’m worth it”

 “We now see some balance restored to the pecking order of society” said Sir Grenville. “I intend to employ a small team of dwarves to trim my moustache. You see, people don’t realise that I am an equal opportunities kind of chap. The tabloids only focus on the salacious side of my life. And for the record, my involvement with the slaughtering of nine hundred fluffy kittens in Gloucestershire was never proven. I was in the Cotswolds that day and I have witnesses”. At that, Sir Grenville Palmer blew a plume of cigar smoke into the faces of newspaper reporters and left abruptly, with one swish of his cape, he had gone…