Turned Out Nice Again

Turned out nice again” – The catch phrase of a certain George Formby (not to be confused with George Foreman of boxing and lean grilling machine fame). Ah, such optimism from Ealing Studios, and indeed the Met Office, for this is the “barbecue summer”.

The Summer of George?

The Summer of George?

With our nation’s propensity toward chest puffing, the grandiose predictions for our summers are becoming more and more bizarre. I am becoming a bit of a “weather bore”, every April I inform my friends and family of how it will all pan out, getting my predictions in before the Met Office makes its grand claim. A few years back, there was even speculation that the British grass lawn would become a thing of the past. Our summers were going to be so severe, even humble and hardy grass would not survive its searing temperatures. We were advised to plant more Mediterranean style and even consider growing orange and lemon groves. The British public lapped it up with a spoon; it did cause quite a stir in Scotland. However, I have never been able to square these predictions off, knowing a little about global warming and the Gulf Stream effect; I could never see the logic. It is little understood that as the planet warms, Britain in fact, could become cooler. I won’t go it to that now… Chief Meteorologist, Ewen McCallum, said the wet summers of 2007 and 2008 were highly unlikely to be repeated. He predicted: “This year will be much drier than normal. Get the BBQ out.”

Needless to say, whenever the Met Office forecasts a barbecue summer, you should be rushing to build yourselves large boats – especially if your name happens to be Noah.

Mr McCallum said at the time “After two disappointingly wet summers, the signs are much more promising this year. We can expect times when temperatures will be above 30C, something we hardly saw at all last year.”

And the animals came…two by two

“Have you packed the barbecue?”

“Have you packed the barbecue?”

I’m not going to get into a theological debate, but this “two by two” notion is a little far fetched, don’t you think? The pairing of animals, one from each gender, to enable each species to procreate and survive the catastrophe, is puzzling on some levels. For instance, what of a pair of ants? Or even a pair of termites? As you are aware, the standard blueprints of these little chaps have no reproductive organs. Banish two ants to the wilderness, away from the colony, and all you will produce is two dead ants.

Listen to this: “I took drugs to win medals” says top athlete Geoff Woad. Shot-putter Woad admits to taking massive doses of steroids – drugs banned in sport – to improve his performance. “He used to act up and pick on me” says his wife, “but now he’s stopped he’s much better, in our sex life and in our general life.” Look at him! Look at Geoff Woad! Jesus, this huge, thatched head, with its earlobes and cannon ball is now considered sane! Geoff Woad is prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about again! His head must weigh fifty pounds on its own! Imagine the size of his balls… imagine getting into a fight with the fucker! “I’m going to pull your head off.” “Oh no, please don’t pull my head off.” “I’m going to pull your head off, because I don’t like your head.”

Sadly, Geoff Woad does not appear to exist. However, aficionados of the classic “Withnail and I” will have just had a treat. Those lines were sublimely delivered by a young Richard E Grant with the precision and finesse of pure genius.

Geoff Capes, on the other hand, does exist. One can only assume that he was the template for this fictitious character in the film. Geoff Capes, former professional shot-putter and Britain’s Strongest Man – He went into business with a shop called Geoff’s Capes, which sold only capes. It soon closed. You couldn’t make this stuff up.

“I’m not sick, but I’m not well”

“I’m not sick, but I’m not well”

That ex Etonian dandy, Mr David Cameron, made me smile the other day. When Absolute Radio host Christian O’Connell asked him about his views on Twitter, the Tory leader said: “The trouble with Twitter, the instantness of it – too many twits might make a twat.” He had obviously spent some time thinking about some witticism in response to any questions he may ever be asked about Twitter.

I’m no expert, but I do know there is no such word as “instantness” and I do know the meaning of the word “twat”, but then again, I schooled at the other place – And the only reason I am allowing the word to go uncensored on my weblog is that I strongly suspect most moderators do not.

Incidentally, “twat” is from an ancient Viking word and is a vulgar synonym for vagina. It is an extremely offensive word in some quarters of society and totally misunderstood by others, perhaps for its similarity in sound to the innocuous “twit”.

Cameron compounded matters when he said “people were pissed off – sorry, I can’t say that in the morning – angry with politicians“, seemingly more critical of himself for saying the less offensive word.

Cameron’s aides pointed out that “twat” is not a swear word under radio guidelines and said he had apologised immediately for his latter comment.

Attempting to play down the incident, he added: “I was doing a radio interview and I’m sure that people will understand that.” Twat!

I understand that in a preamble to the interview by O’Connell in which he said Cameron’s press secretary, Gabby Bertin, “leapt out of her skin” after the questionable language.

In the exchange between Cameron and Bertin after the interview, Cameron said: “That seemed to go OK” to which Bertin replied “Yeah, apart from the language”. Cameron added “Oh, yeah, pissed, sorry about that, I’m really sorry”… “But” he said “people are pissed off with politicians, which they are. I think that is choice language well used personally, from my point of view”.

Bertin responded to Cameron “No, it was the twat”. David then insisted that it was not a swear word. She went on “It is”.

She privately added “I think he must be posh, where a lot of them don’t think twat is a swear word”.

Cameron on Twatter

Cameron on Twatter

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8 Responses to “Turned Out Nice Again”

  1. dandymills Says:

    Dear Stefan, on a small point of theology, the animals went in “two-by-two” Clearly they went in fours. Noah, in fact kept the social scene going by turning his craft into a swinging scene. There is no record of the ants opinions, although there was apparently a problem with the Panda.

    Yours correctingly

    Rev Green, the ballroom with a rusty chainsaw.

  2. Dear Reverend Green

    Problems with the panda? Do you mean it had a headache? Or was it up to its old tricks again, found in the library with the dagger? Pandas tend to adopt the characteristics of archetypal criminals, due to the subliminal effect the dark patches around their eyes have on them. When they catch a glimpse of their reflection in a pool of water, they instantly see themselves as wearing a face mask, similar to the face masks worn by the Lone Ranger and cartoon criminals. I caught our panda robbing the Post Office last week. I believe it needed some urgent cash to purchase Viagra.

    Stefan III of Bordeaux

  3. Many twitters do indeed maketh ein Twat. But I think you will find it was originated in Germany during the first world war.

    • Gutenabend Herr Nick

      The good old twat. I had a sneaking suspicion it was Norse in origin, but I bow to your Teutonic claims. Apparently Angela Merkel has one to die for…

    • Dr. P. Q. Balarkinson Says:

      Nice try Nick, if indeed Nick is your real name,
      Of course, you erroneous entymology of twat is understandable. In actual fact the word twat is a corruption of the Icelandic twod, which refers to a toad. For obvious reasons, this has been covered up. I refer you to a recent article in the Iceland Bugle, which refers to the collapse of the Bank of Iceland to have been caused by fat twods.

  4. I thought it was an ancient Danish word, but I will leave Dr P.Q.B. and Nick to fathom it out. I do not know much about Iceland, other than Mum and Kerry Katona went there.

  5. dandymills Says:

    Curiously, Iceland is an anagram of twat in Swahili.

  6. I am now off the Guinness!

    I love that interesting little fact you published there young Dandy Mills…

    I know if I am in a Swahili market and bend down looking between my legs towards the direction of Iceland, I can usually spot a twat. Alas, the practice of looking up skirts in Swahili markets is frowned upon, I often get destarred (which is almost an anagram of arrested) 🙂

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